Grievous User Guide
by icestar14
Summary: You've recently ordered General Grievous from Intergalactic Tech Inc., and you want to know what to expect, aside from the initial homicidal urges. Here ya go, have fun! Oneshot, based off of SpiderxxChick's Predator and Optimus Prime User Guides.


**AN: ...Hello? anybody out there? It's me, icestar14... Yeah, I realize that you followers must hate me for not posting any new chapters for my predator story "Quarry" or my even older LotR fanfic "Remnants of Darkness". Pleez dun keel mee! I had a rough senior year, the least of which was learning that I have mild ADD, or Attention Deficiet Disorder. That actually helped me- now I'm on medication and I can concentrate on stuff like homework without getting distracted by plot bunnies, random ideas, and other things. Hopefully, now that it's summer, I can work on my neglected stories and update them.**

**This is actually something I typed and printed out for a friend of mine, to go with a General Grievous toy I got her for Christmas. She did the same for me when she gave me a Predator action figure, so I decided to repay her. Kinda based off of SpiderxxChick 's Predator User Guide and Optimus Prime User Guide.**

**Disclaimer: If I was George Lucas, I'd totally do this to squeeze more money out of the fangirls. However, I am not George Lucas *gasp*, and I cannot make any sort of money off of this. Heck, I don't even own the phone number.  
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**Grievous Care Guide**

Congratulations on purchasing and receiving your new General Grievous Model! We at _Intergalactic Tech Inc._ greatly appreciate your time and money, and wish you success in giving this cyborg a good home for the holidays.

Any questions, comments, or concerns can be communicated to us through our Customer Service hotline* at 201-256-1003, or our email at .

*Open Mondays through Fridays from 10 AM to 4 PM Central Time. Phone call rates do apply.

I**ncluded with your Purchase:**

1 homicidal cyborg Kaleesh, complete with a hatred of Jedi

1 bacta tank for medical purposes

2 lightsabers (allow for differences in design)

1 instruction manual for robotic body*

A lifetime's worth of nutritional supplements

*Batteries not installed

We strongly advise that his lightsabers are hidden in a safe place, preferably under lock and key, until he is accustomed to his surroundings and has sworn not to activate them in the house. If he asks, tell them they're in the mail, but do NOT, under any circumstances, give him coordinates to _Intergalactic Tech Inc._ headquarters.

**Upon Arrival:** When your General Grievous Model arrives, it would be best to open the box in a quiet, secure room away from breakables and the outside world. He may be irritable and murderous from being packaged and shipped, but he will eventually calm down. Once he has vented his anger, approach the cyborg carefully and introduce yourself in a kind and open manner. Threats will be issued, but as long as you negotiate these in a caring and firm manner, the General may decide to keep you alive for information purposes. If he decides to kill you, please direct your complaints to our Dearly Departed Department, and we will attempt to reverse your death and refund you.

**Daily Needs:** Obviously, Grievous cannot eat, so forcing a cookie through his mask is not recommended. We have provided you with a lifetime's supply of nutritional supplements his organic parts need to survive. Just add the nutrient formula to his monthly bacta bath in the amount printed on the label, and it will be absorbed by his organic portion.

As we have mentioned before, the General needs a bacta bath once a month to support his damaged organic systems. These sessions should last about 2 hours, with his torso and head fully submerged in the fluid. For his robotic components, a quick rinse-off with the hose or shower head will do, though tougher grime will need to be scrubbed off with a washcloth (hint: warm water is more appreciated than a blast of ice-cold hose water). A wax or polish every once in a while will be appreciated, too. Do NOT attempt to clean your General Grievous Model until some form of trust/relationship/pact has been established and he will not kill you upon attempting this action.

Since his waste products will be cleaned out of his system during the bacta bath, potty-training will not be necessary for this model, and so the usual awkwardness will be avoided. Just be sure when you give him the tour you emphasize that he knocks before entering, as he is accustomed to bursting into rooms to intimidate his foes.

**Relationships:** If you are able to survive long enough to gain your General Grievous Model's trust and respect, and you're willing to take it to the next level, we highly suggest that you exercise common sense and caution in this matter. His body is made out of alloy similar to starfighter armor, and obviously will be stronger than yours. For the more oblivious of our customers, we warn you that parts of his body are pointy and can cause minor to severe cuts. We cannot stress it enough that the General likes it rough during his training sessions, and you as a possible apprentice will need to be able to avoid his attacks. We suggest a padded training room and a good idea when to dodge.

For those of you who prefer a more romantic relationship with your Grievous Model, everything in the paragraph above applies here, as well. Do NOT attempt to tell him of your secret crush on him unless you are absolutely, completely, undoubtedly, and totally convinced that he shares the same feelings towards you. He may deny it if you ask him outright, so just keep note of odd changes in his behavior (examples include: head-patting, invasion of personal bubble, watered-down insults, increased computer hacking, prolonged cleaning sessions, increased concern for your appearance, interrogations about guys at school/work, gifts of dead Jedis' lightsabers, etc.).

As far as we know, Grievous is not homosexual, but in the remote circumstance that he comes out of the closet, please disregard this warning (and let us know so we can update his profile). Otherwise, you guys are out of luck in this area. "Cohorts" will have to suffice...for now.

Ladies, on the other hand, please review the details mentioned in the first and second paragraphs, as they will prove beneficial to your continued health. In the event you and your cyborg feel the need for a more explicit relationship, we suggest purchasing our new Attachable Cybernetic Manhood, available at our online store. Customers have given us great reviews on its performance and durability, and with a lifetime warranty, you and your metallic partner can enjoy each other for countless years of happy, safe sex. **Warning:** It is impossible to conceive from any sort of coupling with your General Grievous Model, so if you want children, adoption is the only way, as Grievous has some possessiveness issues and refuses to share his partner with others.

**Mistreatment:** By abusing your cyborg, you undo any and all bonds of trust with Grievous, thereby sealing your doom. We would apologize, but you probably brought it on yourself. Our Dearly Departed Department will not file your complaints or give you a refund, but they will issue you a free, one-way ticket to Hell as sponsored by our generous friend, the Devil.

We hope you treasure this purchase for years to come.

Thank you for shopping at _Intergalactic Tech Inc._

**Reviews are very appreciated, so please click the button and let me know how I did. You may get a half-off coupon for this model if you do! :)**_  
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